Queen Amidala Body Lotion
Twenty years ago, my mother started an Easter holiday tradition. She had a white elephant gift exchange for me, my wife, my sister, her husband, and my father. We each brought a bag of wrapped presents, put them in a giant pile, and my mother passed them out one by one.
This event featured the traditional gift-stealing and trading, but the real goal was getting junk out of one house and into another. Meaning, the gifts were not valuable.
We had a lot of fun and did another gift exchange the following year. By the third year, my sister and I had exhausted all the junk in our houses, so we resorted to stores like Dollar Tree to buy inexpensive items. One of the things I found was Queen Amidala body lotion.
It had amusing directions: “After a hard day fighting the evil Trade Federation Army, Star Wars Galactic Body Lotion can help soothe the roughest of skin. Maybe Jar Jar Binks should try it! Our Star Wars Body Lotion is a vitamin and aloe-enriched formula that moisturizes and softens your skin. Experience this pleasant Forest Moon fragrance that provides a splash of freshness.”
This event featured the traditional gift-stealing and trading, but the real goal was getting junk out of one house and into another. Meaning, the gifts were not valuable.
We had a lot of fun and did another gift exchange the following year. By the third year, my sister and I had exhausted all the junk in our houses, so we resorted to stores like Dollar Tree to buy inexpensive items. One of the things I found was Queen Amidala body lotion.
It had amusing directions: “After a hard day fighting the evil Trade Federation Army, Star Wars Galactic Body Lotion can help soothe the roughest of skin. Maybe Jar Jar Binks should try it! Our Star Wars Body Lotion is a vitamin and aloe-enriched formula that moisturizes and softens your skin. Experience this pleasant Forest Moon fragrance that provides a splash of freshness.”
The lotion had a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace tie-in. By this time, the movie was long out of theaters, and the merchandising department was looking to unload leftover stock. $0.99 Nice!
My sister ended up with the soap at that gift exchange, but she gifted it back to me at the next one. Game on! This pattern repeated for years and expanded to Christmas gifts. We got really good at hiding the lotion inside other gifts, and I recall my sister putting it in a jacket pocket that she gave to my wife. During this time, our children were born.
One year, I had an idea, and my daughter helped. Together, we built a wooden box, wrapped the Queen Amidala Body Lotion (along with a $5 bill), and put it inside, along with a bunch of glitter. Then we screwed everything together with lots of wood glue. I wrapped the box with about 20 feet of steel wire (used for rebar) and secured the wire with 100+ staples that my daughter used all her might to put in.
At the time, colorful duct tape was popular, and my daughter applied three layers. The previous day, we had been at my wife’s parents’ house for Christmas and had a bunch of wrapping paper in the recycling bin. So, we used every scrap to wrap the box multiple times. Finally, I applied a hefty number of bows and ribbons.
My sister has twins, a boy and a girl, so we gave him the box. He was six years old and did not know what to think as he opened layer after layer of wrapping paper. Finally, he got to the duct tape, and everybody realized what we were doing.
It took him about ten minutes to get through the tape, and the stapled wire put an end to his unwrapping. My sister’s family went home, and her husband used a reciprocating saw to open it. They got a good laugh and threw everything away, including the inner wrapping paper that contained the $5. Funny!
My sister ended up with the soap at that gift exchange, but she gifted it back to me at the next one. Game on! This pattern repeated for years and expanded to Christmas gifts. We got really good at hiding the lotion inside other gifts, and I recall my sister putting it in a jacket pocket that she gave to my wife. During this time, our children were born.
One year, I had an idea, and my daughter helped. Together, we built a wooden box, wrapped the Queen Amidala Body Lotion (along with a $5 bill), and put it inside, along with a bunch of glitter. Then we screwed everything together with lots of wood glue. I wrapped the box with about 20 feet of steel wire (used for rebar) and secured the wire with 100+ staples that my daughter used all her might to put in.
At the time, colorful duct tape was popular, and my daughter applied three layers. The previous day, we had been at my wife’s parents’ house for Christmas and had a bunch of wrapping paper in the recycling bin. So, we used every scrap to wrap the box multiple times. Finally, I applied a hefty number of bows and ribbons.
My sister has twins, a boy and a girl, so we gave him the box. He was six years old and did not know what to think as he opened layer after layer of wrapping paper. Finally, he got to the duct tape, and everybody realized what we were doing.
It took him about ten minutes to get through the tape, and the stapled wire put an end to his unwrapping. My sister’s family went home, and her husband used a reciprocating saw to open it. They got a good laugh and threw everything away, including the inner wrapping paper that contained the $5. Funny!
The next year, I got it back as part of another Christmas gift, and the daughter asked for her own difficult-to-open box the next year. This time, my daughter and I spent two days making a stronger box using 2x4s, a half-bottle of wood glue, and 50+ drywall screws. We added a new twist of putting expired cooking ingredients, including dried garlic, into the box, which gave it a foul smell. (The lotion bottle was in a Ziplock bag.)
She had fun opening it, but her father got upset when their dog ate the garlic. Why would you let your dog do that?
Time passed, and the bottle jumped back and forth, but a problem was brewing. I do not want to discuss my personal problems because writing is supposed to be fun, and public finger-pointing is spineless. That said, it is safe to say that my sister and her family are not on speaking terms with my family or me. The distancing had been a long time coming due to many incidents, making the final decision sad for us, but inevitable.
So… I was left with the bottle, and it has been gathering dust for the last five years. In July of last year, my parents decided to sell their house, and I have been helping them clean. It went on the market in October, and my sister has been removing her possessions since. Last I checked, she had it down to three carloads. Boo.
We got some great news last week that the house is in escrow. Nice! There are still some things to be done, and I was over there yesterday. I realized this would likely be the last time I would see the place—so many good memories.
Well, what do you think I slipped into my sister’s massive pile of junk? Yes, the Queen Amidala body lotion. Game, set, match? Only time will tell.
You’re the best -Bill
May 06, 2026
