Writing an Intimate Scene
Before people could speak or understand our biological functions, we had intercourse. Over time, people came out of the caves, made clothing, formed societies, built cities, and became civilized. During this transition, the subject of intercourse changed from an essential human utility to a deeply controversial, personal topic that holds a special place in our society.
Because intercourse is a delicate subject, it is difficult to write about. Society traditionally considers books, magazines, or newspapers that have written intercourse descriptions to be perverse or “dirty.” However, mass media now provides many intimate descriptions and raunchy visual material. This onslaught makes the subject less shocking, but inappropriate material now confronts our children.
As a father, I have mixed feeling about this (somewhat) recent development. When I was growing up, obtaining any information on the subject was difficult, but now anybody can view an endless amount. This development will make learning about the topic easier for my daughter, but I do not want her to get bombarded by filth.
For example, we allow our daughter to watch the television program, Family Guy. There are intercourse references in almost every episode. I find it amusing that as we watch television together, she does not react to them. Thus, the “taboo” topic no longer holds the same special place it once did. It has become buried in the noise of everyday life.
In my second book, Pushed to the Edge of Survival, a romance develops between the two main characters. I thought that writing an intercourse scene would be easy because I knew the plot. Instead, it was an uncomfortable experience because I had never used intimate words in a document meant to be read by the public.
The scenes I wrote were passionate with intense emotion. I thought I did a great job, but when I completed the first draft and read the result, the intercourse scene shocked me. I had created something too graphic and inappropriate for what I was trying to achieve.
I toned down the scene to make it more mainstream. But unfortunately, I went too far, and the description became mechanical. Essentially, I had taken out all the good stuff. I edited the scene several times to find a good balance. My goal was not to offend the reader while keeping the passion.
One of my writing rules I set for myself was to refrain from vulgarity, demeaning descriptions, and four-letter words. I believe this is the dividing line between intercourse and filth. Thus, I used textbook anatomy words.
Traditional romance books read take a different approach to intimate scenes. They use lofty words to paint an idealistic scene. For example, the male anatomy might be called “his personal area” or a made-up word, “gobble horn.” It is up to the reader to decode these cryptic descriptions. I do not feel this approach helps a reader connect with the passion a character is supposed to express.
Why? Mass media has educated people, and they are now mature enough to handle the reality of a realistic and tasteful intercourse description. In addition, birth control has turned intercourse into a fun activity instead of a seedy hook-up. This new level of acceptance is why the book 50 Shades of Grey was so popular. But was it a breakthrough book? No. Intercourse descriptions have become mainstream, and books/tv/movies have been heading in this direction for a long time.
What will the future hold? Unfortunately, mass media has made this intimate topic so mainstream that the impact is nearly gone. Thus, raunchy material is creeping into forbidden places of safety. For older books, the intercourse scene was the apex of the story. Now, it is one event among many. Yet, a few people still consider the topic to be vastly offensive.
This tiny group caught me off guard. I received harsh reactions to my book and had to remove the intimate scenes in the second edition. As a new author, this hurt, but I cannot afford any negative publicity. I think the change cheapened the characters but also heightened the tension. I suppose that makes for a better overall book. This lesson was important, but I was proud of my original creation.
The good news is that it is becoming easier to write an intimate scene because there is less pressure to be timid. I have now learned that the trick to preventing negative feedback is to prepare the reader (far in advance) for what kind of book they are about to read.
You’re the best -Bill
May 13, 2018 Updated April 30, 2023
